Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
