i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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