Can Purell be used as lube?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
