Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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