Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
