I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
