At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
