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• (303): View more from Colorado

  if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I wish that would've worked

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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• (850): View more from Florida

  You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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• (716): View more from New York

  Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

  (716): View more from New York

  If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto

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• (313): View more from Michigan

  Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth

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• (207): View more from Maine

  In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.

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• (434): View more from Virginia

  It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.

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• (931): View more from Tennessee

  I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.

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• (501): View more from Arkansas

  you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.

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