I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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