Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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