I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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