Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
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I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
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Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies