So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
