Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
