I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
