I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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I need you to use more vowels.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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