I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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