I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
