Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
