VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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