He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They took my balls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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