she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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