theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I did not marry a roomba.
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