It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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