u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i believe in u and ur pee
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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