i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
