shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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