at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
