So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
