I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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