Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
