it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
