How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
where am i from again
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
