You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize