Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
