Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
