I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
