we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
