my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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