just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
