Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
