That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
