I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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