This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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