There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
