so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i barfeds in our rink
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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