just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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