bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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