i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
