How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV