12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
