I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
