i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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