I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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